That's what I call a fuckin' show!
[Seth] Wow!
- Come here! - [Cheering Continues]
- That guy! It's the puta over there! - Richie, get back on the clock.
- How many? - Three.
Which one?
This piece of shit here, man, broke my finger and my nose!
And this faggot kicked me in the ribs while I was down!
- Up! - [Cocks Gun] Fuck you, bogeyman!
- [Grunting] - [Screaming]
Fuck! [Groaning] Fuck!
- Fuck you! - [Groaning]
All right! Everybody be cool, or you'll be just as dead as these fucks!
How's your hand? Let me see it.
- Shit. - [Panting]
[Chuckling]
- You think that was funny? - [Chuckles]
[Groans]
Sit down!
[Hissing, Heavy Sigh]
[Skin Stretching]
- Richie, look out! - Motherfuckin' shit! Get the fuck off!
- Hey! Hey! - Get her off me!
- [Gun Clicking] - What the fuck are you doing? Shoot her!
- [Biting Neck] - [Screaming]
- I'm comin', buddy! - [Moaning]
- [Groaning] - Richie. Richie. Rich.
- [Panting] - Richie.
Fucking bitch!
- Richie. - [Breathing Stops]
Hey.
[Panting]
[Roaring]
- [Screaming] - [Roaring Loudly]
What the fuck?
[Crowd Screaming]
Dinner... [Voice Distorting] Is served.
[Maniacal Laughter, Biting]
- [Hissing] - What the fuck?
- Fuck! Get off me... - [Skin Tearing]
Come on! Come on, you!
Jacob!
[Man Shouting] Oh, no! Look out! Look out!
[Growling]
- [Screams] - You know what everybody says about me, huh?
- I suck! [Laughing] - [Screams]
- [Growls] - [Groans]
- [Screams]
- [Moaning] - [Body Seething]
- [Screaming] - [Gasps]
[Screams]
[Panting, Gasps]
- [Body Being Impaled] - Eeew.
[Crowd Shouting]
Let's see if you taste as good as your brother.
- [Cocks Gun] - Fuck you!
[Gun Clicking]
- [Grunts] - [Screaming, Groans]
[Vampire Roaring]
[Grunts] Hey! Hey! Hey!
- [Grunts] - [Screaming]
- [Screams] - [Vampire Groans]
[Growling]
Oh, shit!
[Growling]
- Huh? - [Whip Snapping]
[Growls, Roaring]
- Gimme that! - [Groans]
- [Moaning] - Hmph.
[Screaming Intensifies]
## [Stops]
- [Groans] - I'm not gonna drain you completely.
You'll be my slave.
Because I don't think you're worthy of human blood. You feed on the blood of stray dogs.
- [Groans] - You'll be my foot stool.
And at my command, you'll lick the dog shit from my boot heel.
- Ooh? - Since you'll be my dog,
your new name will be... Spud.
Welcome... to slavery.
No, thanks. I already had a wife.
[Flesh Sizzling]
[Roaring]
- [Neck Cracks] - We might be in trouble.
- [Growling] - Yo, monkey man.
Anything you got to say to them,
say to me first.
[Roaring]
This! [Karate Cries]
[Beating]
[Growling]
That's enough.
[Heart Squeaking]
[Growls]
[Low Growling]
[Screeching]
[Body Hits Floor]
- [Sighs] - [Kate Panting]
Ain't they supposed to burn up or something?
Oh... fuck.
[Panting, Grunts]
Now let's kill that fuckin' band!
I can do that.
Fuck you, everybody. Good night!
Fuckers.
Hey, buddy.
I'm sorry I fucked things up, Richie.
[Grunting]
[Sighs] You would've liked it in El Rey. You would've.
You would've found peace.
I love you, Richie.
[Demonic Voice] I love you too, Seth. [Roaring]
[Groans]
- [Cocks Gun] - You touch my brother with that stake, biker,
and vampires aren't gonna have to suck your blood; they'll be able to lick it off the floor.
- He's not your brother any more. - That's a matter of opinion, and I don't give a fuck about yours.
Don't be a fool! He'll kill us all.
- Shut up! - Yeah, shut up!
Let's go. Move, move.
[Growls]
Hold him down.
Richie.
Here is the peace in death that I could not give you in life.
- [Screams] - [Continues Pounding]
[Grunts, Groans]
[Groans]
- Fuck! - [Kicks Arm]
[Bottles Rattling]
Seth... are you okay?
I'm peachy, Kate. The world is my oyster.
Except for the fact that I just...
I just rammed a wooden stake into my brother's chest...
because he turned into a vampire.
Even though I don't believe in vampires.
Aside from that unfortunate business,
everything is hunky-dory.
- I'm really, really sorry. - Bullshit! Bullshit!
If it were up to you, if you had half a chance, you would feed us to those fucks.
Then why didn't I?
I'm sorry you lost your brother. I'm sorry he's dead. I'm sorry everybody's dead.
But if we're gonna get out of this, we need you clean and sober and thinking.
Not drunk.
- [Whirring] - What is that?
Don't know. First I thought it was just... birds.
It's bats.
[Screeching]
Gimme a hand.
[Gasps]
[Screams, Panting]
[Hissing]
[Low Growling]
[Screaming]
- [Roaring] - No!
Hey!
Whoa.
[Roaring]
You're dead! Oh...
- [Bottles Smashing] - Come on!
We'll take care of this mess. You go stake the rest of those ugly fucks.
Way ahead of you.
- Watch your step. What's your name, girlie? - Kate. What's yours?
- Sex Machine. Pleased to meet you, Kate. - You too.
[Sighs, Panting]
[Screeching]
- [Vampire Screaming] - [Sighing]
- [Roaring] - [Gasps]
- [Ripping Flesh] - [Sighs]
[Grunts, Sighs]
- Is everybody okay? - Yeah. I'm okay.
[Jacob] Does anybody know what's going on here?
I know what's goin' on. We've got a bunch of vampires out there...
trying to get in here and suck our fucking blood, and that's it, plain and simple.
And I don't wanna hear anything about "I don't believe in vampires."
Because I don't fucking believe in vampires, but I believe in my own two eyes.
And what I saw is fucking vampires.
Now, do we all agree that what we are dealing with is vampires?
- [Kate] Yes. - You, too, preacher?
I don't believe in vampires, but I believe in what I saw.
Good for you. Now that we agree we're dealing with vampires, what do we know about vampires?
- Crosses hurt vampires. Do we have a cross? - In the motorhome.
- In other words, no. - [Scott] Wait a second. Just look around.
We got crosses all over the place. All you gotta do is put two sticks together,
- and you got a cross. - Yeah, he's right. Peter Cushing does that all the time.
Okay, I'll buy that. So, we got crosses covered. What else?
Wooden stakes in the heart have been working pretty good so far.
And garlic, sunlight, holy water. I'm not sure.
- Doesn't silver have something to do with vampires? - That's werewolves.
I know silver bullets are werewolves. I'm sure silver has something to do with vampires.
Well, does anybody have any silver?
Okay. Then, who cares?
Has anybody here read a real book about vampires,
or are we just rememberin' what some movie said?
- I mean, a real book. - You mean like a Time-Life book?
I take it the answer's no. Okay, then.
What do we know about these vampires?
We know they got superhuman strength, but we can hurt 'em.
- Yeah. - [Sex Machine] Another thing, though.
If you're gonna drive a chair leg through a human, you better be one strong son of a bitch.
I mean, the human body is... one rough, tough machine. [Chuckles]
But these vamps... these vamps, they're... they have soft bodies.
The texture of their skin is soft. And they're mushier.
You can push shit right through them.
Conceivably, if you hit one hard enough, take their head right off.
[Seth] Actually, our best weapon against these satanic cocksuckers...
is this man.
He's a preacher. As far as God's concerned,
we might as well all be a piece of shit, but he's one of the boys.
Only one problem: His faith isn't what it used to be. [Groans]
I've had enough of your taunts.
I'm not taunting you, Jacob. We need you.
A faithless preacher...
doesn't mean shit to us.
A servant of God can take a cross and shove it up these monsters' asses.
A servant of God can bless the tap water and make it a weapon.
Jacob...
I know why you lost your faith.
How could holiness exist if your wife can be taken away from you and your children?
Now, I've always said that God can kiss my ass,
but I just changed my lifetime tune about 30 minutes ago.
'Cause I know that whatever is out there trying to get in...
is pure evil straight from hell.
And if there is a hell, and those sons of bitches are from it,
then there has got to be a heaven, Jacob; there's gotta be!
So, which are you?
Are you a faithless preacher, or are you a mean motherfuckin' servant of God?
I'm a mean... [Moaning]
Servant of God.
[Bats Hovering]
I don't know if I can take much more of that noise.
Sure you can.
You can take it because you got no choice.
How'd you like to spend 24 hours of it lying in some muddy ditch,
with nothing but the rotten corpses of your friends to keep you company?
- What are you talkin' about? - [Ignites Match]
I was in 'Nam...
back in '72.
I was trapped behind enemy lines...
with my entire squad dead.
They thought they had killed everyone.
Except for me, they was right.
But it wasn't for their lack of tryin'.
A grenade...
blew up right beside me.
That's why I'm so pretty.
And they start pushin' all them bodies in on top of me.
And all I could do was lay there.
Play possum.
Listen to the enemy joke, laugh, hour...
after hour after hour.
- So I finally... [Continues Speaking] - [Female Vampires] Kill them.
Kill them. Kill them all.
Sex Machine.
Kill them.
So I finally climbed out of this hole...
and I sneaked up on the enemy while he was sleeping.
And I killed one, two, three, four, five...
I came to my senses,
and I realized... I had killed an entire V.C. Squad.
Single-handed.
There was... blood...
and chunks of... yellow flesh... clinging to my bayonet.
To this day, I don't remember...
- [Roaring] - [Screaming]
Get him off of me! Get off of me!
Please! Get him off!
[Screaming]
- No! - [Screaming]
[Screaming]
[Kate] Dad!
[Screaming]
He fuckin' bit me. He fuckin’ bit me!
- What are you gonna do about it? - Come on, Sex Machine.
[Low Growling]
Oh... shit!
Get up! Get up! Up! Come on!
[Grunting]
- Go! Fuck! - [Screeching]
[Grunting]
- Wait. We have to go back for my father. - Your dad's dead, Kate.
[Vampire Growling]
[Growling Getting Closer]
The people... who walk...
in the darkness...
have seen the light!
[Growling]
[Screaming]
[Jacob] Open the door!
Go! Go!
Oh, Daddy!
[Seth] Jacob, are you bit?
Yeah.
Motherfuck. Motherfuckin' vampires!
I'm gonna kill every last one of you godless, fuckin' pieces of shit!
You bet you are, and I'm gonna help you do it. But we ain't got much time.
- You're gonna be okay, aren't you? - No, I'm not.
I've been bit. In fact, I'm already dead.
Now...
I'd say in the next 20 or 30 minutes our friends outside will bust in this door.
And I'll probably turn into a vampire within the hour.
Now, you have two choices. You can wait for me to turn, then deal with me.
Or we can kick open that door, and the four of us...
can go at 'em, hit 'em with everything we have.
But if we're gonna go at 'em, we gotta go at 'em now.
What's this stuff?
My guess is this little dive...
has been feeding on bikers and truckers for a long time.
This is probably the shipments they stole off the trucks.
I say, let's tear this place apart for weapons.
So when they burst through, we'll make 'em wish they never did.
I don't care about livin' or dyin' any more. I just wanna send as many of these devils...
- back to hell as I can. - Amen.
[Low Growling]
Loving God, bless this water...
and give us Your protection and strength in this, our darkest hour. Amen.
Before we go any further, I need you three to promise me somethin'.
I'll fight with you till the bitter end, but when I turn into one of them,
I won't be Jacob any more.
I'll be a lapdog of Satan.
I want you three to promise you'll take me down, no different from the rest.
I promise, Jacob.
Kate? Scott?
I promise.
- Scott? - Yeah, I promise.
Why don't I believe you?
I'm gonna ask you two again.
Then I want you to swear to God...
that you'll kill me!
If you don't, I'm gonna just kill myself right now.
Now, since you need me, I think you better swear!
Kate, do you swear to God that when I become one of the undead,
you'll kill me?
Kate!
We don't have much time, so I'm only giving you to the count of five. One, two,
three, four...
Okay, all right! I promise I'll do it!
Good girl. Now, Scott,
we have even less time, so I'm giving you the count of three.
- One... - You don't believe in suicide.
It's not suicide... if you're already dead. Two...
Okay! Okay.
- I'll kill you when you change. I swear to God in Jesus Christ's name. - Thank you, son.
Okay, vampire killers, let's kill some fuckin' vampires.
[Roaring, Hissing]
Those who walk in the darkness have seen the light.
In the darkness have seen the light.
In the darkness, the light.
[Motor Humming]
Those who walk in the darkness have seen the light.
Kill 'em all!
[Vampire Screeching]
[Screaming]
[Gagging, Neck Muscles Cracking]
- [Screeching] - Come on! Come on!
[Growling]
[Motor Sputtering]
[Roaring]
[Grunting]
[Whistles]
[Screeching]
[Growling]
[Screaming]
[Sighs]
- Dad? - [Growls]
[Screaming] Dad! No, Dad!
Dad! Dad!
I swear to God in Jesus Christ's name.
Oh, my God!
[Grunting] Fight now, cry later!
- [Growling] - [Screaming]
Get the fuck off! Get off! Get off! Get 'em off!
[Screaming]
Kill me, Kate.
Just kill me, Kate.
[Exhales Deeply] I can't.
- How many bullets you have? - I don't know. Not many.
When you run out, start cold-cockin' 'em. Make 'em sing for their supper.
[Vampires Growling, Hissing]
Seth, should I save the last bullets for us?
No. Use it on the next fuck that tries to bite you.
[Screeching]
Shoot more holes. Shoot more holes!
[Screeching]
- Come here! - They can't go into the light.
Come here. Come here! All right.
Hey, Seth, don't leave me.
Come here. Come here. Come on!
- Come on, you! - [Screeching]
- Come here, you fucks! - [Gasps]
- [Pounding On Door] - [Man] Hello? I'm looking for my friend Seth.
Carlos! Kick in the door!
- [Gunshot] - [Screeching]
Go!
Son of a bitch.
[All Screeching]
[Grunts]
What the fuck was goin' on in there? [Groans]
[Groaning]
What's the matter with you? Are you crazy?
Why, out of all the godforsaken shitholes in Mexico, do we have to meet here?
One place is just as good as another.
You ever been here before?
[Chuckles] No. Ah, I drove by it a couple times.
It's a rowdy place. It's out in the middle of nowhere.
There'll be no cops. And it's open from dusk till dawn.
Didn't you say you wanted to meet in the morning? Here we are.
Since you just picked this place out of a hat, my brother is dead,
that girl's entire fucking family is dead!
What? Were they psychos, or...
They look like psychos? Is that what they looked like? They were vampires.
Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits 'em.
I don't give a fuck how crazy they are!
Seth... how can I make it up to you?
You can't make it up to me, Carlos. You can't do it.
Can't make it up!
Fifteen percent instead of 30% for my stay in El Rey, that's a good start.
[Chuckles] Twenty-eight.
My brother's gone. You understand that?
He's gone and he's not comin' back, and that is your fault.
- Twenty. - [Chuckles]
[Together] Twenty-five.
Kate. Go to the R.V., get the suitcase.
You look like hell.
You want a cold beer? I got some in the car.
Come on, they're cold. Huh?
I got Mexican and domestic.
Chíngalo.
- [Carlos] So, how do you like the car? - It's all right.
I said "like new." This is a '90.
Hey, it is new, cabrón. Belonged to a drug dealer friend of mine.
Hey, he only drove it like 14 times in five years. It's like new, I swear to God.
- So, what do I do, follow you? - Yeah, follow me.
- All right, let's do it. - [Chuckling]
I'm sorry.
[Chuckles]
Yeah, I'm sorry too.
- I'll see ya. - Seth?
You need some company?
Kate, do you know where I'm goin'? Do you know what El Rey is?
- No. - [Carlos] Hey, Seth.
It's time to go.
Go home, Kate.
I may be a bastard, but I'm not a fuckin' bastard.
[Engine Starts]
# Hot air hangs like a dead man #
# From a white oak tree #
# People sittin' on porches #
# Thinkin' how things used to be #
# Dark night #
# It's a dark night #
# Dark night #
# It's a dark night ##
# Everything about her was natural #
# Everything about her was cool #
# But I'm a little partial for beautiful girls #
# Even if their bloods run blue #
# I think I see her #
# I think I want her #
# I think I love her #
# She's just killin' me #
# I think she's killin’ me #
# Her castanets are enormous #
# Her bongo beat absolute #
# And when she doin' midnight performances #
# She's got a secret somethin' to boot #
# I think I see her #
# I think I want her #
# Oh, I think I love her #
# But she's just killin’ me Killin’ me #
# I think she's killin’ me #
# Oooh #
[Howling]
# Listen Miss Santanica Pandemonia #
# Don't get any lower or slower #
# What you see is what you get conmigo #
# And the bonus of an albino boa #
# I think I see her #
# I think I want her #
# Yes, I think I love her #
# She's just killin’ me Killin’ me #
# She's just killin’ me That's some time I had #
# Oh, I think I see her #
# I know I love her #
# Yes, I might love her #
# She's just killin’ me #
# She wanna be killin’ me #
# Suck my blood ##
[Laughing]